Sure

It was an extremely long week. Each day seemed to build on the last until Friday we came to an inevitable halt and had to regroup. I made a decision to stay, to stick it out a little longer and try again. We walked out Friday night and headed home, having made a stand to adjust priorities and refocus. Saturday was about family, about necessary distance from the workplace I devote so much energy towards. And we came into the new shop on Sunday with reserved hope, renewed perspective, regained composure.

I feel as if in some ways that this cycle is familiar life, that I continually get drawn out and then refilled. I am learning balance though tough. I am seeing that sometimes I wear myself out willingly and call it resilience. I sacrifice my comfort and heart and call it setting a good example when really it is unnecessary. In my crazy high expectations for myself I neglect to account for my own strength, or lack thereof. I demand perfection and fall short, insufficient on my own.

There is a song by Sara Groves with a line that continually catches my attention whenever I hear it. The lyrics describe conversations between friends, lovers, people who are facing mistakes, misjudged actions. There are explanations offered, apologies. But the chorus, the message there is simple:
love wash over a multitude of things; make us whole.

And that becomes enough. There is a love that never falters, a healing that continues despite our failings. We are actually wildly insufficient but are made whole. And this being a Christian song, a Christian singer, one- I - would expect that the chorus would end "make us holy", not "make us whole". But she sings it so simply. We are not about that, we are not even close to being enough to contemplate any sort of attainable life based in holiness. We are barely getting by. But the point is that we are not asking to be made perfect. We are asking to be made complete.

I can struggle, sure, to try to be star manager at my shop. I can wake up refreshed and excited for my day like I was yesterday, anxiously unable to sleep because I was so ready to make my day begin. Or my alarm will go off and I will pry open my eyes unwillingly, struggling to stay buoyant in the wake of frustrations and sadness at my inability to affect change. But the reality is- whether good or bad, I'm not really enough at any point on my own. I have to trust that my support, my strength will be supplemented so that I am able to go on when I'm running out.