Sure

It was an extremely long week. Each day seemed to build on the last until Friday we came to an inevitable halt and had to regroup. I made a decision to stay, to stick it out a little longer and try again. We walked out Friday night and headed home, having made a stand to adjust priorities and refocus. Saturday was about family, about necessary distance from the workplace I devote so much energy towards. And we came into the new shop on Sunday with reserved hope, renewed perspective, regained composure.

I feel as if in some ways that this cycle is familiar life, that I continually get drawn out and then refilled. I am learning balance though tough. I am seeing that sometimes I wear myself out willingly and call it resilience. I sacrifice my comfort and heart and call it setting a good example when really it is unnecessary. In my crazy high expectations for myself I neglect to account for my own strength, or lack thereof. I demand perfection and fall short, insufficient on my own.

There is a song by Sara Groves with a line that continually catches my attention whenever I hear it. The lyrics describe conversations between friends, lovers, people who are facing mistakes, misjudged actions. There are explanations offered, apologies. But the chorus, the message there is simple:
love wash over a multitude of things; make us whole.

And that becomes enough. There is a love that never falters, a healing that continues despite our failings. We are actually wildly insufficient but are made whole. And this being a Christian song, a Christian singer, one- I - would expect that the chorus would end "make us holy", not "make us whole". But she sings it so simply. We are not about that, we are not even close to being enough to contemplate any sort of attainable life based in holiness. We are barely getting by. But the point is that we are not asking to be made perfect. We are asking to be made complete.

I can struggle, sure, to try to be star manager at my shop. I can wake up refreshed and excited for my day like I was yesterday, anxiously unable to sleep because I was so ready to make my day begin. Or my alarm will go off and I will pry open my eyes unwillingly, struggling to stay buoyant in the wake of frustrations and sadness at my inability to affect change. But the reality is- whether good or bad, I'm not really enough at any point on my own. I have to trust that my support, my strength will be supplemented so that I am able to go on when I'm running out.

City

I think I am finally starting to fall for Boston.

It is fitting, then, that this occurred to me on a day where the sky was Seattle grey, when the rubber soles of my new boots squeaked against the rain-coated sidewalks. It is not surprising that this fair city decided to win my heart by playing to what I know, what I love. It gave me rain and gloominess and I chose to walk home within it.

The new shop opens this week- I'm a mix of anticipation and dread. It is hands-down one of the most beautiful cafes I have stood within: high ceilings, newsprint wall-coverings, elegant shadowboxes of ancient typewriters, telephones, coffee grinders. The bar is crowned with a shiny new GB5 and a gallery of pristine siphons. It is a barista's paradise and we swoon.

But like many aspects of my life, I have a soft-spot for the clumsy, the handmade and awkward. I have never been one who felt that the image was more important than the heart, that a drink offered genuinely meant less if it was not topped with a perfect rosetta. I miss the pieced-together homeyness of the 'Den, in that things were haphazard and mismatched but cozy, inviting in a way stripped of all pretensions. I miss a shop so steeped in its community, and am just starting to see how I fit within the community I am now a part of.

So we prepare for a possible move to the new location with some sadness. I have strived to build something tangible out of my time at the shop, and feel in some ways I have succeeded. I have met some lovely people. I have poured some ridiculous drinks. I have dialed in the espresso on my opening mornings with Mountain Goats on the stereo and no one in the cafe, feeling invincible. I am blessed to spend the day in the trenches with yet another incredible staff. It is all these things and more that keep me here, even on the days when I ache to be home.

So, Boston, you have my attention. You are coaxing me to you and making me comfortable in your space. But every so often, I feel the need for familiarity and peace in what I know. So am given rain in my skies, like Noah's rainbow after the storm. A promise that we are lucky, and we are taken care of.

Chocolate Chip Cookies with Dried Apricots and Espresso
(Found on Orangette, who made them from a recipe from a little Seattle bakery called Macrina)

2¼ cups unbleached all-purpose flour
1 tsp baking soda
¼ tsp salt
1¼ tsp finely ground espresso beans*
10 ounces good-quality semisweet chocolate chips, such as Ghirardelli
¾ cup unsulfured dried apricots, diced
8 ounces (2 sticks) unsalted butter, at room temperature
¾ cup granulated sugar
¾ cup light brown sugar
2 large eggs
2 tsp pure vanilla extract

In a mixing bowl, combine flour, baking soda, salt, espresso- whisking well until combined. Add in chocolate chips and apricots, tossing in the flour mixture until coated. This helps the sticky apricots not clump in the cookies.

Beat together butter and sugars in stand mixer (or by hand- if you have not that newfangled lifesaver called the KitchenAid) until pale and fluffy- approximately 5 minutes. Scrape sides of bowl with spatula, then add in eggs one at a time, integrating completely and scraping down bowl before adding the next. Add vanilla extract; mix.

Integrate flour in two stages, making sure to scrape sides and bottom of mixing bowl as the batter comes together quickly and leaves flour clumps on the hard-to-reach bottom portion of the bowl. Work quickly and don't overmix, as these cookies are best when the fluffy texture of the batter is retained.

Scrape bowl a final time to push all the batter to the bottom of the bowl, cover with plastic wrap, and refrigerate for at least an hour. I have made them as soon as possible, and after a day of the batter chilling in the fridge and they both come out well, though you get fatter doughier cookies after a day of rest.

After chilling, parchment-paper your cookie sheets and preheat oven to 350 degrees, with your rack in the center of your oven. Spoon out dough to bouncy-ball sized portions and roll before placing on sheet. If dough is fairly close to when it was put together, no need to compress balls at all before baking, although if dough is harder you may want to. Bake for 15 minutes or so, until the edges are slightly browned. Remove from sheet and move to cooling rack until they are cooled enough so as not to burn the tips of your fingers while you eat them. I recommend a solid cup of coffee to accompany.

Makes approximately 4-dozen smallish cookies.

*The original recipe called for 1/4 tsp espresso. I used, of course, the Herkimer Espresso Blend, and added a substantial portion more than the pitiful hint of coffee suggested. C'mon now.

Heart (Leaving Seattle)

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)